Asperger's Syndrome

I met my current boyfriend at an Asperger's Syndrome support meeting. Although I was instantly attracted to him, I told him he should meet my friend, Louise, instead. You see, I was afraid to get involved in a relationship then. Well, he dated her for several months and in the mean time, Steve and I became best friends. We never cheated on Louise, but before he left to go to Oregon, they broke up. He called one of my good friends and said, "I'm in love with Laura, but I have to go to Oregon."

Steve moved to Oregon to get far away from some problems he was having. It turns out the area suited him perfectly. It's a beautiful place, called the "Capital of the Arts and Outdoors." We talked on the phone every night (just about!) for over a year. Our love has continued to deepen and develop new dimensions. He spent about a month with me in Raleigh in June, and then two months over the Christmas holidays. He just left to go back to Oregon.

Steve is my soulmate. We don't have to explain a lot to each other. We just know. We encourage each other's obsessions (most of the time!) and we are wildly empathic to each others quirks and needs (most of the time!)

I want to write a little bit about "Aspies in Love." My boyfriend and I rented the movie, "Mozart and the Whale," about a real-life couple who both have AS who got married. Well, when it got to the part when they moved in together, there seemed to be too many problems. The intensity was too much. So, Steve and I decided we may never live together. If we do, it will be gradual and natural and nothing we jump into. Ironically, we're getting married. We have no date anymore, because he proposed, I set the date and he got scared of everything happening too intensely. Like in the film, too much intensity can rampage an aspie relationship and could even destroy it.

So, because we treasure our relationship, we are engaged with no date set and I am moving to Oregon (next week! yay!) into my own apartment near Steve.

This is what our relationship is like:

Steve is a chess master. He will play chess on-line non-stop for days at times. Then, he will sleep sometimes for several days. He will be irritable during those periods and act like he does not even care that I exist. He probably doesn't during those moments! Steve will nibble on food or not eat at all and then binge on food suddenly with no apparant reason. He doesn't eat regular meals or sleep at regular times. He likes very gentle touch and too much pressure is a freak out thing. Sometimes, he doesn't want to be touched or held at all. I used to interpret Steve's moods as reactions to me.. what was I doing to cause the moods? Turns out, 98% of the time, it is absolutely nothing. I have had to learn to let Steve be Steve and know that he will "spin back around" to being present and passionate with me after he goes through his other obsessions and moods. It will happen. It's a waiting game.

I have been learning chess from Steve. I'm still at the kindergarten level, having only played for six months so far! I love the game but I lack skill at times because of my impulsiveness in play. Still, I'm making progress and Steve is a great teacher. I'm better at word games like scrabble. I insist on a pretty inflexible routine, with regular meals (usually the same foods,) and a usual sleep schedule. I'm a structure and routine person. Steve is not. I like heavy pressure and touch and hate light touch. That drives me crazy. I can get obsessed with an idea and dwell only on that, and I can appear cold and uncaring about other things and people during those times. Steve used to interpret that I didn't care, instead of that I care but my mind is driven in a different direction.

In the two years that we've been best friends, we had one major argument. I started crying because I didn't feel he was giving me attention lately (at that time.) So, it wasn't just crying. It was a total emotional meltdown with me shutting myself in the closet and obsessing on suicide. In response to this, Steve simply said, "I can't take this. I'm going home." We broke up over this. Steve said he didn't feel he could be in any relationship with anyone, because of his condition. He said the closer we get, the harder it is. He said the problem wasn't me being too emotional. He said the problem was that he couldn't give me what I needed.

My therapist said that two people who begin to merge lives go through a period of trying to figure out where they fit in another person's life. So, arguments are normal. So, we have been forced to slow down our pace in this "merger" thing. We may never be able to "merge" and give up our individuality, because of the nature of Asperger's Syndrome. Still, we are deeply in love and more in love all of the time. We've learned to accept each other as we are.

We had broken up and got back together within a few days, actually. We learned a lot from this about what it means to understand and tolerate each other's needs and moods and why it is so important to move slowly.

So, in a week, I will be with Steve and we will get to play and explore Oregon together. I am thrilled!